Marriage. It’s All Fun and Games, Right?

In a Tennessee forest with photographer Alexis Dimmer for our 9th wedding anniversary.

Marriage. It’s all fun and games, right?

Wrong.

People aren't perfect. You know that, right? Neither are marriages.

Jon & I post silly vids and make people laugh.

We get comments like:

"love how you guys operate in your marriage" 

"showing us how it's done"

"so cute/awesome/adorable" etc

And, well, those things are all true. We're all that. At times. But even the happy marriages are not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.

Jon and a fiery packet of sauce that wants to marry him.

“You’ve gotta be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy and content with someone else.”

Let me share a couple of baseline things that are important in marriage, in my humble opinion:

- You've gotta be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy and content with someone else.

- Have common sense, social skills, and an understanding of how to relate to people and how to resolve conflict. (Sometimes I talk with people & it quickly becomes apparent why they're alone/unmarried/divorced, etc.)

- Swallow your pride and recognize when you're being a crazy face. (I've blown up at Jon and he's stood his ground and let me know—gently & calmly—that I was being unreasonable and unkind. To which I had to stop and respond that he was right. And vice versa.)

- Be kind. I mean, seriously, be kind. Sounds simple, but look at your motives. The words you speak, your actions/reactions...all your behaviors...are they motivated by kindness?

- Remember that it's not all about you. Selfishness is an ugly monster. 

Marriage takes time, effort and energy. It's a garden that needs constant tending and care. Otherwise, weeds and bugs will overtake it and choke out the wonderful harvest that you would've had—had you taken the time to cultivate it. If you don't give it what it needs, it will wither and die.

“Swallow your pride and recognize when you’re being a crazy face.”

Jon & Melinda. May 21, 2020.

Let's take a look at the photo above. It's one of my favorites of us. I don't have any photo like it from our 14 years together and wish I had a better, more professional version of it instead of a selfie. But I'll take it. It's from our 14th anniversary on May 21, 2020. We were kid-free and had some tasty tacos in a swanky part of town.

I like how you can see that we're holding hands and all is well. But not even an hour before this photo, and not even a block from our home, we were in the car with me crying and Jon upset.  

“Sometimes, we get frustrated with people and really wanna ‘stick it to them.’ You know, hit it where it hurts most. ”

It was one of those times when evil reigned and the motive was fueled by unkindness.

Sometimes, we get frustrated with people and really wanna "stick it to them." You know, hit it where it hurts most. 

When you live with someone for years, you know what buttons to push to make it really sting, and sometimes it's just so satisfying to go ahead and push those buttons. 

I do it. Jon does it. 

In pushing those buttons, we make that decision to jump off the cliff and land right onto the other person, smashing them into the ground, so to speak. If we're really feeling evil, we'll pummel them a few more times so they'll really feel our wrath. 

Our conscience should be telling us to stop. 

If we don't listen, that's one more step toward killing the "garden" of marriage. Farmers don't stomp on their plants. Of course not. That would damage the garden. Stomping on plants is a great and very effective way to kill plants. 

If your marriage is precious to you, then listen to your conscience and stop pushing those buttons. Stop killing it. 

On our 14th anniversary, a day for celebrating our love and many years together, a lot of pain was felt and damage was done. 

How did we get past that pain and damage?

• By ceasing fire,

• By picking the other person up that we've wronged, and…

• By feeling sincere repentance for our actions. 

Forgiveness is also hugely beneficial.

Jon & I don't have a volatile, roller-coaster marriage. These things don't happen frequently. But when they do, we’re sensitive to the things that we know are right and the things we know are wrong. The key is to choose—every time—the things that are right.

“Boy, that self-control one can be a real doozy. Self-control is a hard one to maintain when emotions are high. People are meanies.
I know. I’ve been one.”

Some of the things that we believe are right and we seek to choose are: love, kindness, patience, peace, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, joy, and self-control.

Boy, that self-control one can be a real doozy. Self-control is a hard one to maintain when emotions are high. People are meanies. I know. I've been one. 

Super tasty tacos on our 14th wedding anniversary.

Our marriage works and we're able to go on and eat tacos and enjoy each other's company less than an hour after some "marriage damage" because we sincerely feel bad when we've wronged the other. We take steps to make it right and truly want to make it right. We care. 

It's also a huge advantage that we can both think objectively and logically through situations. Plus, we have a great sense of humor and have a lot of fun together. 

I do have to say that in our marriage there are no chemical imbalances and deep-rooted, unhealthy patterns taught to us from childhood. I know people who have really unhealthy patterns of behavior and it's taken them a lifetime to learn how to relate in a healthy manner toward others and they're still learning. It's unfortunate. That's going to take the help of a licensed professional. 

Out with the family at world renowned Smith Rock State Park. October 2018.

“No marriage is perfect. The good ones have worked at keeping the marriage in great shape. Like most things, it takes time and effort. ”

Remember, no marriage is perfect. The good ones have worked at keeping the marriage in great shape. Like most things, it takes time and effort. You, too, can have a good marriage—even a great one. 

You can make it every bit as deserving of the #couplegoals and #relationshipgoals hashtags that people have kindly placed on our marriage posts.

All is well. My eyes are still a little teary, but that’s a genuine smile and a tender “I love you” kiss. May 21, 2020.

💛

If you enjoyed this story or it gave you good food for thought, please consider adding a comment to let me know how it impacted you, big or small.